April Summers Wallpaper

Ow, ow and ow.  Irish willy is a little uncomfortable just lookin' at these things.  She's gotta use these puppies for both diddling and walking, right?  The question is, which two holes get the treatment?  I'm really hopin' she sticks at least one of 'em in her mouth because I think I've heard enough noise comin' outta that particular orifice to last me a lifetime.  Can't wait 'til her fifteen minutes are up, cuz I don't think she's gonna get scooped up in The Rapture on Saturday.

Police: Woman bit boyfriend's penis during argument

PRESS-CITIZEN - Police said a woman bit her boyfriend’s penis during an argument earlier this month. According to Coralville Police, officers responded to 617 Fourth Ave. on April 11 after a 911 call came from that residence. Police said 32-year-old Lucina V. Kinder and her live-in boyfriend got in an argument that escalated when Kinder punched her boyfriend – who is not identified – in the face, scratched his shoulder and then bit his penis, causing it to bleed. The two have been living together for more than a year, police said. Kinder was arrested this week and charged with domestic assault without intent to cause injury, a serious misdemeanor.

I'll say it's a serious misdemeanor, and I don't like this Miss' Demeanor.  I think Lucinda should be a little "kinder."  (See how I did that? That's professional interwebberblogging right there, folks.)

Anyway, are there two worse words to see in a sentence than "penis" and "bite?"  Well, maybe "penis" and "machete" but that's another story for another day.  The question is, will Lucinda use the Hunger Defense?  Like, "Your Honor, I was famished and my man's Johnson just looked so good I couldn't resist the urge to take a little nibble." Word to the wise, Lucy. I don't think I'd try it.  Keep those lips shut for once.

GHANAWEB - It may be just a pin-prick on the map, but the Congo's capital Brazzaville has become a world beater - on a bizarre new penis atlas of the world. (Click here to see map)Ghana is second with an average length of 6.7inches (17.31cm). Sample data for Ghana was taken in the year 2000 by the Ghana Sexology and Femilie center. The map - which went online this week - rates countries by the average size of the populations' manhoods and highlights some graphic shortcomings between East and West. Africa's Republic of Congo comes first with an average length of just over 7 inches, with Ghana, Colombia and Ecuador close behind. But at the other end of the the scale, South Korea ranks barely 4 inches on average while China beats all-comers in the East with 4 1/2 inches. England and Scotland help keep the British end up with a respectable 5 3/4 inches, shows the map, produced by the Target Map website, half an inch ahead of Ireland. Meanwhile, new research shows that size really does matter. A study by America's University of Rochester shows that the distance between a man's scrotum and his anus can affect his fertility. Anyone measuring less than two inches is seven times more likely to be infertile, says the report.


Where's the data on the Irish?  I mean, my "Irish Inch of Aggression" must be above average with all the potato heads, right?  Cuz I've seen a lot of my fellow Micks in the shower and I strut around like a porn star in there, like I'm king of the hill, just flauntin' that shit all over the place.  I'm enormous for an Irishman, I think.  Anyway, I'll be right back, gotta go head on over to the map to see how Willy stacks up....

Bull Penis Stew: Waste Not, Want Not

1 pound of penis, ram’s or bull’s
3 tbls. oil
1 large chopped onion
2 garlic cloves, peeled and chopped
1 tsp coriander seeds, crushed
1 tsp salt
freshly ground black pepper


Scald the penis, then drain and clean.
Place the penis in a saucepan, cover with cold water, and bring to a boil.
Remove any scum, then simmer for 10 minutes.
Drain and slice.
Heat the oil in a large skillet.
Add the onion, garlic, and coriander and fry until the onion is golden.
Add the penis slices and fry on both sides for a few minutes.
Stir in the remaining ingredients with a good grinding of pepper, add enough water to cover, and bring to a boil.
Lower the heat, cover, and simmer for about 2 hours, or until tender.
Add a little water from time to time if necessary to prevent burning.


From GREENPROPHET

I'm havin' a hard time even reading this recipe.  A pound of penis?  Scald the penis, then drain and clean?  Bring to a boil?  Place the penis in a saucepan?  Remove any scum then simmer for 10 minutes?  Drain and slice?  And then you eat the penis?  I gotta tell ya, I'm sittin' here holdin' on to ol' Willy just to make sure he's safe and isn't gonna end up in the buffet line as some Chinatown mystery meat.  I don't know about you, but when I take the big dirt nap I want my dick comin' with me.  Who knows, maybe you can get all the puntang you want in heaven.  But there's no way you get to bang hot chicks for eternity if the Big Fella doesn't make the trip.  I'm not takin' the chance.  My two heads are a package deal.  Where one goes, the other follows.  End of story.  I love my penis and my penis loves me.

Dwarf pulling vacuum cleaner with his penis banned by Oxford University

Metro - It seems vertically challenged Demon Dan’s ability to drag a vacuum cleaner using only his genitals cuts no mustard with the dean of St Peter’s College. Neither does Gary Stretch’s talent for pulling a flap of his own neck skin over his mouth. Ball organisers had considered the pair from the Circus of Horrors touring company to perform at their £75-a-ticket bash on May 7. But college masters have censored the C’est La Revolution event. The decision angered Demon Dan, otherwise known as Daniel Blackner, who said: ‘I have a brilliant resumé after featuring as an Ewok in a Star Wars film and various Muppet movies as a flying teddy bear.’ Circus of Horrors has been touring for 15 years and warns that its Gothic-style horror shows are ‘not for sissies or those of a nervous disposition’. Its creator, known only as Doctor Haze, said: ‘It is ridiculous for the dean to try and decide what people should or should not see.’ A university spokesman said the Circus of Horrors was considered but deemed unsuitable for the ball.

Outrage! Protest! Censorship! Are you kiddin' me? Whatever happened to freedom of expression? Let Demon Dan perform! Seriously, how else is our little man gonna make a livin'? He's obviously got a special talent - let him show it off! Otherwise ol' Danny is gonna be relegated to dwarf tossing or dwarf bowling and that shit's just degrading. Free Demon Dan! Free Demon Dan!

REPUBLICAN AMERICAN - A Torrington man convicted on drug and burglary charges admitted Friday in Litchfield Superior Court that he fabricated evidence when he tried to use someone else's urine to pass a drug test. Lewis Mazzochi, 35, of 101 Funston Ave., used a strap-on phallic device equipped to release a stream of urine when he provided a urine sample to the Office of Adult Probation. Prosecutors said Friday Mazzochi pushed on the device to release urine contained in a bag around his waist, but the trickery was caught by a probation officer monitoring a mirror on the ceiling of the bathroom. The fabricating evidence charge prompted a violation of probation charge, which was combined with burglary and drug possession charges. For the combination of his offenses, under the terms of a plea agreement to avoid trial, Mazzochi will be sentenced to 10 years in prison when he returns to court May 10.

Here's what I'm thinkin': Great idea, less than perfect execution. The problem with this little scenario was that it was a pretty crude device. Prolly just a hollowed out dildo attached to a baggie. C'mon dude, let's step this shit up a notch. Here's the deal - we get some venture capitalist investment, make the device lifelike and computer-controlled and now we have a business model. I can see charging like $1000 for this puppy. Done correctly this new, first-rate, anatomically correct design would be something that could be used by shitloads of people. Common criminals, pro athletes, anyone on a job interview. I see serious potential here. Now all we need is an exit strategy....Pay attention!

In related news, Florida woman changes her name from "Carpet Machine" to Jane Doe.....

eitb - According to Basque newspaper DEIA, a woman in Saudi Arabia cut off her husband's penis with a knife while he slept because he was intending to marry again. The injured man was rushed to hospital following the attack, which he has managed to survive. He is now receiving treatment in a specialist unit. According to Muslim tradition, Saudi law allows men to be married to up to four wives at a time. The female assailant, who repeatedly begged her husband not to take a second wife, will now be tried according to Saudi Law. The case has raised huge debate in Saudi Arabia, a country which lives according to the edicts of Sharia Law, which dictates strict roles for men and women. It seems many of the country's men request the death penalty for their jealous wives, while a number of Saudi women hope this recent incident persuades men to think twice before choosing to taking another wife.

Why the big debate? If the law says you can have four wives, then you can have four wives. No complaining, no nagging, no castrating! Personally, I think one wife is sometimes more than enough. Honey-do lists, monthly "friends," waiting forever for them to get ready, having them ask you all the time "Does this make me look fat?", lousy driving and the list goes on. I can't imagine what this shit would be like four times over. But hey, the Mormons do it, and I guess the Arabs do, too. If you don't like the rules, change 'em! Let Ahab keep his wanker.  Bang. Pay attention!

French penis-leash couple arrested at shops
CARCASSONNE, France - French police said Thursday they arrested a 63-year-old woman who was leading her 40-year-old companion along a busy shopping street by a leash attached to his exposed penis. The couple were detained Wednesday afternoon in the southwestern city of Carcassonne and were due to appear in court in April on charges of public indecency. The couple admitted to being sex addicts and said they were in the middle of a game when arrested, police said.


Ahh, the old May-December romance.  The French are such romantics, aren't they?  Come with me, my love, let's stroll down the Boulevard and ponder the wonders of this beautiful world.  But remember, heel, boy!  Heel, boy!

Officers Say Drugs Found In Man's Penis
LOUISVILLE, KY. - A Fairdale man faces charges after Louisville Metro Corrections officers said they discovered suspected crack cocaine in the foreskin of his penis. According to the arrest report, officers asked Antoine Banks if he had any drugs, weapons or contraband on him as he entered Metro Corrections after his arrest. He told them he didn’t, police said. During a clothed pat-down, officers said they found a small bag of suspected cocaine tied to the waistband of Banks’ boxers. After that bag was found, a strip search was ordered, according to the arrest report. During the strip search, another small bag was in the foreskin of his penis, police said. Police said Banks was originally arrested after a traffic stop led to the discovery of a bag of salvia and liquid codeine. Banks (was) arrested on charges of second-degree possession of a controlled substance first offense and possession of synthetic cannabinoid agonists or piperazines. Banks is now facing additional trafficking a controlled substance and promoting contraband charges.


Antoine's got a lot goin' on here, huh?  Codeine, cocaine, crack, salvia.  This dude sounds like the Charlie Sheen of Louisville.  Where you hidin' the porn stars, Antoine?

Metro
Man has ‘mini’ tattooed on penis to win car
The crazy German decided to have the rather painful tattoo after a radio station ran a competition to win a £20,000 Mini Cooper. The brief: whoever pulled the craziest stunt to get the car would win. Unsurprisingly, Muller’s offer to have the car manufacturer’s name branded on to his penis topped the list of crazy suggestions. Muller claims the pain was worth it, saying: ‘Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright.’ It has not been reported whether or not Mr Muller has a girlfriend.

Any other word, man. Any other word! Pay Attention!

This raises the age-old question: Would you rather live with cancer or without a penis? Tough one....


Now, here's a story about a guy who actually volunteered for the procedure (Yikes!).


NewsTime
Filipino Genius Cuts Off Penis To End Jibes

A man in the Filipino city of Cagayan de Oro City has surely earned himself an honourable mention in the 2011 Darwin Awards. While his actions did not lead to his death, not yet at least, he has certainly minimised his chances of successfully breeding with a willing female such that he could be safely considered removed from the human gene pool. Our bright spark, from the city of Cagayan de Oro City had put up with jibes over the size of his manhood for most of his life. Nothing new there certainly, as anyone who has enjoyed the friendship of other men would attest. But it was this genius’s remedy for the teasing that just takes the cake, the euphemistic equivalent of which he will find in scarce supply soon by the way. So fed up was he by the jibes that he decided the best way out was to take a bolo knife (a local type of machete) and remove the entire organ. One can just see this kind of “logic” at work. Penis too small leads to jokes about penis, therefore no penis will mean no jokes about penis, Ahh! Lightbulb moment! Presumably followed shortly by an excruciating scream, and at least an iota of common sense. The man was taken to hospital soon after his moment of genius and has been declared out danger. Doctors have warned though that they will not be able to restore what little manhood he had possessed before. A local shrink, Myrna Villanueva, has warned that the man will need to be monitored once he comes to fully realise what he has done. "Something is [now] missing, and the very important part that is missing speaks of masculinity, power and strength of a man... It's not normal”. No sh*t, is all we have to say here at Newstime.

adamsmediastore
Boy, oh, boy, it's a difficult decision when it comes to naming a guy's manhood. Does one go respectable with Peter O'Toole? Or hip with the Big Lebowski? Or choose one with a little more flavor, like Charleston Chew? With so many possibilities, it could really drive a person nuts!
Lucky for those looking to nail down the perfect name for their (partner's) favorite body part, there's this book. It's a long, hard process coming up with an original name for a man's member, so this book doesn't beat around the bush. It pulls together 500 options, sizes them up, and helps you get down to business and choose the perfect fit.
At the end of the naming process, you will think your choice is a stroke of genius--and be relieved you're not just calling it Harry or Dick.

Sify
Golf course owner offers $1k reward after penis is drawn on greens

The owner of a golf course in Australia has offered a 1000-dollar reward to anyone who can help catch the person who carved the outline of a huge penis into one of the course's greens. According to the Gympie Times, Gympie Pines golf course owner Mike Towler said that it is sad that while others were battling the flood disaster the person decided to destroy property. "People's emotions are bound to be pretty raw at the moment and to do this sort of damage to people is absolutely woeful," the Courier Mail quoted him as saying. "It costs 20,000 dollars to build one of these greens and 2000 to 3000 dollars to repair this sort of damage. "I'm offering the money to anyone who gives information to police leading to this person being convicted," he added. (ANI)

Citra women accused of setting boyfriend's genital area on fire
Ocala.com
A 29-year-old Citra woman was arrested Saturday after she allegedly doused her boyfriend's genital area with gasoline and set him afire. Victoria Eltonya Bynes, of 17355 NE 16th Terrace in Citra, was charged with aggravated battery and was taken to the Marion County Jail, where she bonded out on $10,000 bond early Sunday morning. Her boyfriend, Andrew Williams, 42, of 17360 NE 18th Ave. in Citra, was transported to Shands at the University of Florida in Gainesville with serious injuries. His condition Sunday was unknown. According to Marion County Sheriff reports, Bynes went to Helen Marie Colding's home off Northeast 18th Avenue looking for Williams, her boyfriend. Colding is Williams' mother, and the mother and son live at the same address. Bynes reportedly told Colding, “Your son has some explaining to do,” and left. Bynes then went to the home of Timothy Lewis Galloway, at 2440 NE 167th Place in Citra. Galloway told deputies, who he called to his home, that Bynes had come there and a fight had broken out between her and Williams. Galloway said that Bynes threw a liquid on Williams and lit him on fire. When deputies arrived at the scene, Williams, who smelled of gasoline, was kneeling in the yard, covered in a blanket. He had second- and third-degree burns on his genital area and torso. Williams could not respond because he was in pain. Deputies called for emergency medical services, which transported Williams to Shands. Deputies noticed that the west side of Galloway's yard was burned and smelled of gasoline and that there was a piece of burned cloth inside the burned area.