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FLORIDA - When Bartow police pulled over 33-year-old Bradley Gummow, an 11th and 12th grade teacher at Bartow High School, for a traffic stop late Tuesday morning, they say they saw a plastic bag in his mouth, reports WTSP News-10 in Tampa Bay. But Gummow wasn't talking. So they used a surefire method to get him to open his mouth: They tased him. Out of his mouth pooped five bags of pot. Small wonder he couldn't talk.

Nice try Bradley, but I'm not sure a little weed is worth gettin' tased over. The punishment just isn't fittin' the crime on this one, bro. See, they were gonna find the weed anyway, homeslice. So, what have we learned, Mr. Teacher? We've learned that when the cops ask us questions, we give them answers, right? Hey, congratulations - you've unintentionally provided a wonderful lesson for your high school students. Teacher of the year!

TCPALM - A man accused of being naked in public and who is quoted as saying, "You want a piece of this," while pulling his crotch has been arrested, according to recently released records. Stephen David Delaplaine, 58, was arrested April 19 on two exposure of sexual organs warrants stemming from earlier alleged in-the-buff incidents. About 5:15 a.m. March 27, Port St. Lucie police went to Southeast Kestwick Court and Southeast Rivergreen Circle "in reference to a naked male standing on the corner," records show. A woman said she was delivering newspapers, and when she came to the corner, she saw a man in his birthday suit. She passed the man again after making a U-turn on the dead-end street. The nude dude was described as about 50 to 60 years old, wearing glasses and "slightly balding with a big belly just standing there." She said she saw the same man au naturel two to three weeks earlier. The next morning the accused naked man pulled on his penis and said, "You want a piece of this." Police spied Delaplaine -- sporting a Hawaiian shirt and tan shorts -- in his living room nearby. He matched the woman's description but denied being the naked man. He said he was reading and has depression and insomnia. The woman identified Delaplaine, of the 1600 block of Southeast Kestwick Court in Port St. Lucie, as the naked man. Delaplaine ultimately declined to take a lie detector test, saying his "depression and mental illness would not show a fair result."

Aw c'mon. How is Stevie here not gettin' laid left and right? I'm mean he's obviously got the dashing good looks, he lets ya see the merchandise before ya buy and he's got the greatest pick-up line of all time. Dude's a playa. He's a pro in a world of rank amateurs. Must be like Carl Crawford. He's got all the skills and talent, just slumpin' big time right now. Things will turn around Steve-o. Just keep your head in the game.

Music Teacher Busted For Sexting Teen Student

FLORIDA (Where else?) - A South Florida band teacher is in trouble with the law after he allegedly sent a 14-year-old student suggestive text messages and pictures of his "instrument." Dennis A. Mulder, teacher at Allapattah Flats K-8 school in Port St. Lucie, was arrested Wednesday on two felony counts of transmission of material harmful to minor by electronic equipment, according to tcpalm.com. Mulder, 42, is accused of sending three pics of his erect penis to the teen girl, his student at Allapattah. Police say the girl's mother found the pics when she was going through the teen's cell phone on March 7. The photos were in a file labeled "Dennis," and police traced the number that sent the pics and texts to a phone number registered to Mulder. Mulder allegedly sent texts to the girl in early March, including "Secret: It took all I could not to grab you & kiss you today” and “Desire for you is getting stronger." The girl later told police she and Mulder were "just good friends," and that he “was the one person that understood and could relate to her." She admitted Mulder sent her the photos and that she'd planned on telling him they couldn't be "anything but friends." Mulder later told police the two had a strictly teacher to student relationship and that they had exchanged just a couple of texts and that he told her she couldn't text him. But police said they found about 100 texts between the two phones, and when they compared the penis pics to Mulder's apartment, they spotted floor tile and carpet that matched those found in the pics. A St. Lucie County School District spokeswoman said she couldn't comment on open investigations, but said Mulder was expected to be reassigned away from students while the investigation is made. Mulder has spent the past four years with the school district but this was his first as a band teacher at Allapattah. Mulder was being held Thursday in the St. Lucie County Jail on $50,000 bail.

Who does this guy think he is, Brett Favre?  Seriously, when has sending pictures of your junk ever worked for any guy anywhere?  And don't get me started on Florida.  There's a reason Florida looks like America's penis on a map - BECAUSE IT IS!  We need to hold a national castration day and just cut this embarrassment of a state right off the continental U.S.  Dig a wide friggin' canal right across the top of the state and let them exist in their own little leper colony.  Let all the drunks, crack-heads, hookers, tramps, addicts, whores, pedophiles, kidnappers, burglars, gang-bangers, and politicians fight it out in one enormous trailer park.  But for no reason, and I mean NO REASON do we let 'em back on the mainland.  Bang.  Done.  Pay attention!   

Fla. Father And Son Slash Man Who Drank Their "Last Beer," Say Cops

ASTOR, Fla. - Some folks can get a bit riled up when you drink their last beer. The Lake County Sheriff's Office said Jeffery Wilkerson found that out the hard way, at the Astor home of Jason Higdon Jr. and Sr. last Friday, when both men attacked him in a dispute over their last cold one. Wilkerson suffered a 10-inch slash from his back to his abdomen, deputies said. Witnesses intervened and called for help for Wilkerson, who's 46. He was flown to Halifax Medical Center in Daytona for treatment. His condition was not released, but he was well enough to give a statement to deputies. Deputies said Higdon Jr., 21, and Higdon Sr., 43, fled the scene of the attack, but were later arrested in Seminole County. Both were charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. They are each being held on $15,000 bond.

Let's just talk for a minute here about who committed the real crime. As an Irishman, an American and a beer drinker, I say the worst crime was committed by Jeffery Wilkerson. You cannot, under any circumstances, take someone's last beer. I hate to say it, but you got what you deserved Jeff. There are certain guy rules that are rock solid and unbreakable and you broke one of the biggest. What's next, sleeping with your best friend's wife?  Release the Higdon's immediately! If I were the Governor of Florida (a job that must be one of the shittiest jobs on earth) I would seriously consider pardoning these dudes. Bang. Pay attention!

In related news, Florida woman changes her name from "Carpet Machine" to Jane Doe.....

SARASOTA, Fla. - Inmates from time to time get caught using a natural body cavity to smuggle items into jail, but what happened recently is a new mark. As the Sarasota Herald Tribune reported, 33-year-old Neil Lansing was sentenced to jail on drug charges and was going through a routine strip search when jail officials noticed something sticking out of his rear end. Upon removing the condom, they discovered many more items: 17 blue pills, 1 cigarette, 6 matches, a flint, a syringe, lip balm, a CVS receipt and a coupon. Lansing now faces additional charges of drug possession and smuggling contraband into a jail.

Yup, it's Florida, Part 2,837,785. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Florida is the penis of America and a national castration needs to take place. Having said that, what's the deal here, Neil? Are you like Rubberman or something? That's an impressive inventory you were carrying in the ol' keester there, pal. Thirty items?  The prison screws must've needed a backhoe to excavate that thing.  By the way, I can understand everything except the lip balm, the receipt and the coupon. WTF? Well maybe the lip balm will come in handy when you're smooching your new roommate, but I'm still a little fuzzy on the paper products. So many questions, so little time....

Immokalee man, outraged by men in drag, arrested on weapon and disturbance charges
IMMOKALEE - Outraged when he learned the women he bought drinks for were actually men in drag, an Immokalee man was arrested by Collier County Sheriff’s deputies Saturday after causing a ruckus in the bar. Josue A. Hernandez, 27, of an unknown Immokalee address, according to reports, was at a bar on Boston Avenue in Immokalee when he learned the people he was socializing with and purchased drinks for, which he believed to be female, “were in fact men dressed in women’s clothing,” according to deputies. He then became irate, breaking bottles, starting fights with other customers and causing a disturbance, deputies said. A large, fixed-blade, hunting-type knife was discovered in Hernandez’s waistband. The knife, which had a wooden handle and a 6-inch blade, was hidden under his shirt, according to reports. The knife is the kind “normally used for the skinning and gutting of deer and other large animals and was in no way a common pocket knife based on its blade length and design,” deputies said. Hernandez was arrested shortly before 1 a.m. Saturday and charged with disorderly intoxication and carrying a concealed weapon.


Josue, Josue, Josue.  It's the Adam's Apple!  I'm sick and tired of guys saying that they've been "tricked" by people dressing in drag when all you gotta look for is the Adam's Apple.  Hey, Josue, I can see yours in your mugshot, you couldn't see theirs?  Sorry - not buying it anymore.  You knew they were dudes, they just weren't into you, so you decided to go all bat-shit crazy because now you realized you can't get either girls or fake girls.  Not buying what you're sellin' Josue.  You have a little bit of the gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) - just admit it!  Pay attention!

Police Say Burglar Was Caught Watching Internet Porn


FLORIDA - A man was arrested after police say he broke into a business and was caught by officers watching porn on one of the company’s computer. The incident happened around 11:20 p.m. Monday night when officers responded to an alarm call at Windswept Appliance and Air Conditioning in Marathon. When they arrived, officers saw an inside light on and found a side door unlocked. One of the officers entered the building and found 19-year-old Kenneth White inside, pulling his pants up. Police saw that a pornographic movie was playing on a computer screen in front of White. Investigators say that upon questioning, White told them he was in the closed and locked business, “looking for a job”. He also told officers that he was inside the business because he saw a light on and was “investigating”. Officer believe White entered the building through an open window. His shoes were found on the ground just outside the window. He faces charges of burglary, criminal mischief and theft.


Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. You gotta lock the doors! I realize your modem at home is probably a little slow for watching your spank flicks, but you'd lock the door there so Mom doesn't come crashing in, right? All you had to do was was lock that side door, grab a box of tissues, sit back and enjoy the air conditioning and go to town. Bang. Pay attention!

nwfdailynews
Boy brings cocaine to school "to help grandmother"
FORT WALTON BEACH -- A 14-year-old Mary Esther boy told authorities he brought cocaine to school so he could sell it and help his grandmother financially. The boy dropped the bag of cocaine to the floor during a routine search. The teacher recovered it and handed it to an Okaloosa County Sheriff's Deputy, according to the boy's arrest report. He was charged with cocaine possession with intent to sell within 1000 feet of a school.


Granny needs some more bling - hit the streets, kiddo.  Yup, Florida.  The penis of America.  Pay attention!

ABC-7
Drugs found in Port Charlotte woman's vagina
ENGLEWOOD: A routine traffic stop led to the arrest of two people and an unusual discovery Wednesday. Deputies pulled over Michael Paul Williamson, 26, and his passenger, Gwendolyn Kathleen Hanisch, 21, both of 3381 Edgehill Terrace in Port Charlotte, for speeding in Englewood Wednesday evening. During the traffic stop, deputies found three cookie tins containing marijuana brownies and two marijuana pipes inside the car, according to the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office. Williamson and Hanisch were arrested and taken to the Charlotte County Jail. At the jail, after Hanisch consented to a strip search, corrections officers discovered a crumpled piece of aluminum foil containing what was believed to be LSD and two baggies of pot inside her vagina. "She produced two sandwich bags of marijuana out of her vagina," explained Bob Carpenter, with the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office. "The third item, which sounds awful, is crumbled up aluminum foil with LSD inside of it." The duo was charged with Possession of Marijuana and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia. An additional charge on Hanisch for Possession of LSD is pending the outcome of a lab test.

Who knew? Marijuana - the new dildo!  And by the way, Gwendolyn, TWO baggies of weed plus the LSD?  Seems a little roomy in there.  How 'bout you work on those Kegel excercises while you're in the pokey?  Bang.  Pay attention!

CBSNews
Fla. Man Claims "Rough Sex" Killed Girlfriend, Say Police
FORT LAUDERDALE (CBS/WFOR) Investigators in Florida say a man kept his girlfriend's body in his bed for two days while he tried to figure out how to dispose of it and later told police she had died during a night of rough sex, according to a report. Doris Lopez's body was found inside a car parked at a Delray Beach parking lot on October 26th. Three months after that discovery, police arrested 40-year-old David Muringer and have charged him with manslaughter in her death. According to CBS affiliate WFOR, Muringer allegedly told authorities he had been casually dating 48-year-old Lopez, who lived in West Palm Beach. He told investigators he choked Lopez during sex, but said her death was accidental. He said she lost consciousness once before and she had awakened moments later. However, on the night she died, he got angry when she lost consciousness and reportedly threw her off the bed, according to the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. Police say he left the apartment and when he returned he found her lying on the floor dead. According to a police report, Muringer waited two days before allegedly stuffing her body in a plastic bag then pushing it into a barrel. "He told us he sealed the barrel with duct tape, rolled the barrel out of his apartment and placed the barrel into the back seat of the victim's car," Delray Beach police Detective Jason Jabcuga wrote in the arrest report. WFOR reports that Muringer became a suspect in the case after a cell phone receipt was found in the car with his name on it. On top of manslaughter, Muringer has also been charged with unlawful disposal of human remains. He is being held without bond.

nwfdaily
Woman faces charges after punching police horse in nose
The Associated Press
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — A St. Petersburg woman is facing a charge of battery after allegedly slapping a police horse in the nose. Authorities say 29-year-old Stephanie Six hit the animal as a mounted officer was trying to control crowds in downtown St. Petersburg early Saturday morning. Six was released from jail later that day.

OrlandoSentinel
Officials: Flagler deputy swiped seized cash, swapped with paper towels

A Flagler County Sheriff's deputy was arrested Wednesday, accused of stealing thousands of dollars seized in criminal investigations and replacing the money with paper towels. Sheriff's officials said Matthew Koenig, 40, was arrested about 3 p.m. Wednesday after a three-month investigation into funds missing from the Sheriff's Office's evidence room. Officials said the investigation determined that Koenig, an evidence technician, had removed and replaced $4,847 in seized funds. The theft was discovered, officials said, when another technician retrieved an envelope from the evidence room and discovered the money was missing. The Sheriff's Office said an internal audit was conducted, and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement was asked to assist with an audit and a forensic investigation. Officials said DNA evidence found on the envelopes and the paper towels inside was used to link Koenig to the theft. Investigators also reported finding "unexplained deposits" into Koenig's personal accounts in 2009 and 2010. According to a statement released later Wednesday, Koenig had been with the Sheriff's Office since 1998, and has been placed on administrative leave. He was booked into the Flagler County Inmate Facility. Records show he was released later Wednesday after posting bail. A woman who answered the phone at his home said he wasn't there. He had not returned a call seeking comment late Wednesday evening.

News-Press
Deputies: Man broke into Estero club house, stripped nude and stole sausage

The Lee County Sheriff’s Office is trying to identify a man who broke into the Mariner’s Cove club house in Estero, stripped nude and stole $15 in sausage. Joseph Brown told investigators he brought the sausage to the club house for an upcoming bingo night and noticed Friday the sausage had been stolen from the refrigerator, according to a sheriff’s office report. Brown then reviewed the club house’s surveillance video and saw an unknown white male enter through an unlocked rear sliding glass door and go through several drawers and the refrigerator. At one point, the man was also seen walking around the club house in the nude, possibly after showering in a wash area behind the kitchen, according to the report. A first aid kit and some paper napkins were also taken.

Hey, everybody loves a tasty Jimmy Dean, but what's up with the first aid kit and the napkins? Is this dude trying to make some Lady Gaga type of bro-suit?  Rage on, fancy pants....

Citra women accused of setting boyfriend's genital area on fire
Ocala.com
A 29-year-old Citra woman was arrested Saturday after she allegedly doused her boyfriend's genital area with gasoline and set him afire. Victoria Eltonya Bynes, of 17355 NE 16th Terrace in Citra, was charged with aggravated battery and was taken to the Marion County Jail, where she bonded out on $10,000 bond early Sunday morning. Her boyfriend, Andrew Williams, 42, of 17360 NE 18th Ave. in Citra, was transported to Shands at the University of Florida in Gainesville with serious injuries. His condition Sunday was unknown. According to Marion County Sheriff reports, Bynes went to Helen Marie Colding's home off Northeast 18th Avenue looking for Williams, her boyfriend. Colding is Williams' mother, and the mother and son live at the same address. Bynes reportedly told Colding, “Your son has some explaining to do,” and left. Bynes then went to the home of Timothy Lewis Galloway, at 2440 NE 167th Place in Citra. Galloway told deputies, who he called to his home, that Bynes had come there and a fight had broken out between her and Williams. Galloway said that Bynes threw a liquid on Williams and lit him on fire. When deputies arrived at the scene, Williams, who smelled of gasoline, was kneeling in the yard, covered in a blanket. He had second- and third-degree burns on his genital area and torso. Williams could not respond because he was in pain. Deputies called for emergency medical services, which transported Williams to Shands. Deputies noticed that the west side of Galloway's yard was burned and smelled of gasoline and that there was a piece of burned cloth inside the burned area.

nwfdailynews.com
Women sneaks drugs into jail via bra